Sick Day
by Morgana Maeve
Summary: -Crack- With Roxas sick, how does the rest of the Organization help him? Easy: They make it worse.
1. Part 1

Part 1

Morgana Maeve

'Cause everybody needs a little crack in their life.

No really, I'm serious; I take no responsibility for the lack of seriousness. The idea popped into my brain, took root, and wouldn't leave me alone. Lo and behold, this is what came out of it. Organization XIII crack, complete with crack pairings and definite OOC. Don't blame me for that either; I've never actually gotten through the entire Kingdom Hearts II (BLASPHEMY!), so I'll probably be falling into a few fandom pit holes now and again. But if you can overlook all that, and come out of this with your sanity and a few laughs, then I've done my job.

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, the Kingdom Hearts series belongs to Square Enix and Disney. I stand to make no profit from this, dammit. Wish I did. Then I'd have money to buy a new iPod.

.::oOo::.

Number XIII was sick. How he managed _that_ one, nobody really knew, since technically, all Nobodies are are empty husks of a body with nothing in them, so a germ or a virus or whatever wouldn't really have anything to attack in a Nobody. Unless it was a nonexistent germ. Yeah, there we go; a nonexistent sickness, that's what Roxas came down with.

And down he came, straight off his chair and onto Marluxia, who had come in late to the meeting. Caused a bit of an uproar it did, with Axel leaping out of his seat to go 'assist' his fallen friend, and Xemnas still blathering on about hearts and moons. By the time he finally realized most of the Organization's attention had gone out the window, all of them, with the exception of Saïx, were gathered in a circle around Roxas and Axel, the latter of who was practically lying full length on top of the youngest member.

"Number 8, what are you doing?"

"Trying to revive him!"

"By blowing into his mouth?" There were a few muffled snickers. Axel straightened in indignation.

"It's called mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. It saves lives!" Nobody really noticed that Roxas's stricken look had been replaced by a rather relived expression as soon as Axel had stopped his administrations.

"I think it's just a cold," he said softly.

"See, I told you it saves lives," Axel said proudly. Roxas shook his head at him.

"I just need to rest a little, that's all."

"Your face is all red." Demyx volunteered that little tidbit of information.

Axel answered. "It's a buildup of carbon dioxide."

"It's a fever, you idiot," Larxene snapped. "Stop trying to make yourself sound smart."

"Can Nobodies even get fevers?" asked Marluxia. "And can you get him off me? I can't breathe, and he's messing up my hair."

Xemnas reached down and placed a gloved hand on Roxas's forehead. "You feel a little less cold than usual, Number XIII," he said. "Perhaps you should rest; we'll be needing you tomorrow. The Heartless are building up." Roxas rolled his eyes. Sure, give him the stupid missions, what did he care?

And that was how most of the Organization (Luxord was out doing Kingdom Hearts knows what) all piled into one room, clustered around Roxas's bed. Where the bed had come from was a mystery; it had just sort popped up out of nowhere, but then again, the World That Never Was had a habit of procuring some pretty strange objects out of thin air. Like those treasure chests that cropped up in corners. Roxas was always opening them and had a pile of potions up to the ceiling to show for his efforts, but every few weeks, they would show up again. It was pretty creepy actually.

But anyway, there was Roxas, sick in bed, covered by a mass of sheets, with Axel at his side, stroking his hand (Roxas felt too sick to yank it back) and telling him everything was going to be okay.

"Axel, you do realize," Larxene said, "that it isn't like he's going to die."

"How do you know? It could be something serious. Maybe I should get him a potion or something."

"The last time I trusted you to get me anything," Roxas mumbled, voice muffled by the multitude of sheets, courtesy of Demyx, "I ended up out cold for three days. I still don't what you did to me, but Xigbar says he has pictures, so I don't even want to know."

"You don't trust me?" Axel asked, surprised.

"You? No. Not at all."

"I'm offended."

"Well, maybe if you stopped jumping him in the halls, he would trust you more," Marluxia said, smirking.

"Marluxia, I swear, if you want your flowers to survive the next week, you'll mind your own business."

"If I find so much as one petal drooping, you'll be picking thorns out of you know where 'til kingdom comes."

"Settle down, children," Xigbar laughed, tilting his chair into a more precarious position than any other Nobody would ever dare try. "We don't need any more burning vines hanging around the place. Remember what happened to Demyx?"

There was silence as each member reminisced about the incident that led to the creation of Demyx's hybrid haircut. He turned scarlet as Xaldin snickered, "And you control water, too!"

"Shut up, guys!"

"I'm just saying…"

Trying to remedy the rapidly deteriorating situation, Demyx suddenly spouted out, "You know, I heard that it helps to read to a sick person."

There was more silence, and then, "What sort of reading?" It was Vexen who had asked, and because nobody had heard him enter the room, everybody jumped. All heads turned to Demyx for the answer.

"Er…" He froze. He hadn't expected to get this far and was now stuck.

"Not scientific journals," Axel called out.

"Let Number 9 speak," commanded Xemnas.

"I guess…I guess fairy tales," Demy said, his voice getting smaller and smaller.

There was another silence filled pause, and then laughter broke out. Demyx pulled his hood up and fled.

"Hey, bring back some of those fairy tales you were talking about!" Xigbar yelled after him. Larxene rapped him across the head.

"Can't you be nice, just a little bit?"

"_This_, coming from _you_," was the retort.

"Why can't you all just leave?" Roxas moaned, but of course, nobody heard him.

As it turned out, Demyx did indeed return, clutching a large book under his arm. He met no one's eye, and situated himself in a corner, disappearing behind the book's overly large covers.

"Number 9," Xemnas said. Demyx looked up hesitantly. "Will these 'fairy tales' of yours keep Number 8 occupied?"

"What about Roxas? Does he count for anything? He's sick. Why do you always pinpoint me?"

"Number 9," Xemnas said again, "Will they keep Number 8 from causing any more trouble?"

"Maybe," Demyx answered quietly.

"Good. Proceed." Demyx balked.

"I'll read it then," Axel snapped, seizing the book. Demyx yelped. Ruffling through the pages, he yawned, "Boring."

"You're supposed to make it interesting," Demyx explained.

"Fine." Choosing a page at random, Axel read the title to himself, and then looked slyly up at Larxene. She pointed at him threateningly.

"Don't even think about it." Axel shrugged.

"Okay, okay, so once upon a time, there was this kid named Red Riding Hood who always wore this stupid red cloak even though it clashed horribly with his pink hair."

Marluxia glared at Axel, eyes narrowed to slits. "Peon," he grumbled.

Axel continued as though he was never interrupted. "One day, he decided he was going to bring some food to his Grandmother Audrey, and set off to walk through the woods to her house. But he forgot about the evil wolf that lived in the forest that ate pink-haired, flower-loving guys, especially when the moon was out."

"Number 8, you are skating into very dangerous territory. I suggest you leave it quickly."

"Anyway, Riding Hood was walking through the forest, and even though he was told not to stop for any reason, he saw a flower and just had to go look at it, and he spent all afternoon drooling at it. When he finally tore himself away, it was almost dark, and the moon was starting to rise.

"He hurried on, afraid of the crazy wolf, but what he didn't know was that the wolf was already following him, and had taken a shortcut to Grandma Audrey's house, where had found her and eaten her. Then he took all of her clothes, put them on, and laid down in her bed, pretending to be her.

"Meanwhile, Riding Hood arrived at Grandma Audrey's door and knocked to be let in. The wolf answered and told her to come into the bedroom; she was too ill to walk into the kitchen. So stupid Riding Hood goes into the bedroom and starts asking all these ridiculous questions."

Axel's voice took on a high falsetto as he said, "What big eyes you have!"

"I do not sound like that!" Marluxia yelled, while Xemnas snapped, "Number 8!"

Axel laughed and kept reading. "Yeah, so the two have little game of twenty questions, and then Riding Hood finally realizes that 'Grandma Audrey' is really the crazy wolf. And to make it worse, the moon was full, too."

From the cusp of the group, Saïx growled, a low rumbling that sent everyone's hair on end. Axel sped up his reading the slightest bit, a rather formidable sweat drop forming on the side of his head.

"So Riding Hood goes for the door, but the wolf caught him and ate him, too. Literally, not figuratively," he added, looking thoughtful.

"Number 8, control yourself!"

"But Riding Hood got lucky, because the wolf was so gorged that he fell asleep on the floor, and the woodcutter with wacky silver hair-"

"Number 8, this is quickly degenerating into something-"

"Killed the crazy wolf and rescued Red Riding Hood and his stupid pink hair and grandmother," Axel finished quickly. Marluxia was already up though, and before Axel had time to defend himself, had taken the mammoth book from his hands and flipped to a new page.

"But," Marluxia said, pointing to nothing in particular, "the highly intelligent and handsome Riding Hood, in his joy of finding himself and much-loved grandmother alive and uneaten (both figuratively and literally), forgot about the vile, spiky-haired, ugly, rude, manipulative, red-headed beast that lived in the dilapidated castle at the edge of the forest."

"Are you calling me ugly? I'll have you know-"

"Number 8, will you please be quiet?!"

"Yes sir, Superior."

"Thank you. Please proceed, Number 11, and try to be more subtle in your gibes."

Marluxia began to speak again. "The disgusting creature took Riding Hood captive in the dungeons, but, with the flower he had so craftily picked hours beforehand, the resourceful Riding Hood was able to pick the lock and escape the dungeon. Though he could have escaped into freedom, Riding Hood chose to stay in the castle and rid the world of this hideous beast so that the forest would be safe."

"That's not how it goes!" Demyx protested, but nobody paid him any mind. "Hey! Listen to me, damn it!"

"Be quiet, this is funny," Xigbar told him, watching as Axel and Marluxia squared off.

"But what Riding Hood didn't realize in all of his glorious stupidity was that the silver-haired woodcutter hadn't really killed the wolf, he had just knocked it unconscious. So while the flower-lover was busy stalking the lonely and _misunderstood_ beast, the wolf snuck into the castle, bent on getting Riding Hood," Axel interpolated, bearing himself up to full height. The effect was ruined by the fact that Marluxia was at least twice as thick as him.

"Oh no, Riding Hood knew the wolf was not really dead, but was quite sure that he wolf, being a smart creature, would not dare to try again," Marluxia answered, tossing the book to Demyx. He fumbled with it, and it dropped open to another new story.

"Well, Riding Hood thought wrong, because before he knew it, the wolf was eating him again, and this time, it was figuratively!"

"Number 8!" Xemnas finally exploded. "One more comment of such a nature, and I will personally assign you to cleaning duty! With Lexaeus."

"What did I say!?" Axel hollered and at the same time, Marluxia yelled, "He'll kill my flowers if you do that!"

"Oh, there you go with your damned flowers again!"

"Flowers are aesthetically pleasing as well as environmentally sound."

"They're _flowers_."

"And you're a savage, ruthless, carnage-causing cretin."

From the mountain of sheets, Roxas moaned, "Please! Just go away and leave me in peace!" Marluxia and Axel, however, continued hurling insults at each other, occasionally joined in by some of the higher-ranking Nobodies, and Xemnas, who bellowed without avail for everyone to be quiet. Only Saïx was quiet, standing unobtrusively in a corner, plotting.

.::oOo::.

Will be continued when I get off my lazy butt and figure out a way to get Demyx into the fray. Translated: It will be updated at my discretion. Fear it.

Grandma Audrey…my sense of humor should be shot.

So yeah, enjoy the random Organization crack like you enjoy the random, cracky Organization fanart.

And yes, I want reviews, FOR MY BIRTHDAY! Just don't leave any asinine comments like, 'This is so totally OOC. You shouldn't write anymore.' Yeah, I know it's OOC. That's why it's called c-r-a-c-k.

And before I ramble on any farther and make myself into more of an ass than I already have, I leave you. Leave a review in return.


	2. Part 2

Part 2

Morgana Maeve

And we're ba-ack! Did'ja miss me? Oh yeah, Demyx's bringing sexy back!

I don't why I just said that…it was a WTF moment brought to you by Morgana Maeve.

Disclaimer: I don't own, you don't sue, and we'll all be happy. Squeenix and Disney own everything!

.::oOo::.

Meanwhile, as Saïx contrived bloody revenge, Demyx was having thoughts of his own, though his thoughts were a far cry away from dismembering Axel with one of Marluxia's rosebushes.

Not to say that Demyx didn't think of Axel, though. Besides power chords, Axel was the most predominant thought in Demyx's head, and many an hour of nonexistence had been wasted away thinking on Axel and messing around with the sitar. Which was rather dangerous, considering that to play mad riffs on said instrument, one must move one's hand on the neck of the sitar in an up and down fashion, and when thinking of a certain red-headed Nobody at the same time…

But at the moment, Demyx's thoughts were more tuned to finding a way to stop the bloody massacre of helpless fables and timeless classics that was taking place before his very eyes before things got too out of hand. (As if they hadn't gotten out of hand already. But he could still try to salvage it.)

Unfortunately, certain other Nobodies, namely the sadistic one, really didn't want the fun to end. So when Demyx reached down to rescue the problem-causing book and restore order to the best of his ability, Larxene swooped down off her perch on the back of a random chair and swept the book back up with her. Idly, while Demyx stayed frozen on the floor, she flipped through the pages, pausing every once in a while to scoff at a few sentences or yawn in boredom.

And then, she stopped. Her eyes moved across the page, reading, and then she flipped pages backwards, reading the title. And then she smiled, wolfishly, at Demyx. He froze more, if that was possible. She stood up, tossing her hair back, those weird, antennae-like bangs quivering. Demyx tried to crawl for the door, but he was too slow, and Larxene's high, clear voice broke over the fray.

"As it was, however, the beast wasn't really a beast, as Riding Hood found out when he finally noticed the incongruous zipper in the front of the beast's costume. But Riding Hood only a moment to appreciate the find because, at that very moment, the entire castle disintegrated and they both fell from the cliff where the castle had been built into the choppy waves below them."

From the floor, Demyx moaned, "How did I know it was going to be _that_ story?" Zexion, crammed between the wall and Lexaeus, looked at him curiously, sniffing the air.

Larxene continued, even though both Axel and Marluxia were voicing their opinions on her story-telling very loudly. "The beast (who was no longer a beast but a fairly decent looking man) hit the water hard and was instantly knocked unconscious, sinking beneath the dark surface of the water. Riding Hood was dashed on the numerous sharp rocks sticking up through the water."

Marluxia made a rather strangled garble at that last statement and turned purple, while Axel nearly tipped over his chair laughing. "How dare you kill me!"

"Your character was annoying. Shut up," Larxene said shortly, but Marluxia wasn't finished yet.

"What are you thinking, killing me off while you let this…this," words failed him at the moment, "animal live?!"

"If you don't like it, you can leave and tend to your flowers," she told him. "If you're going to stay, then shut up and let me tell it my way. We all had to sit here and listen to you!"

"My story-telling ability is much greater than yours, I'll have you know."

"And I'm sure you plants will agree. I'm surprised they haven't just keeled over and died from your monologues about how great you are." Marluxia deflated, his shoulders hunching forward.

"Oh, burned," Axel taunted.

"Be quiet, you anorexic excuse for a Nobody," Marluxia snapped sullenly.

"Number 8, you're anorexic?"

"No, I'm not, Superior!"

"That would explain the rather feminine figure. Are you certain your Somebody was not a woman, Number 8?"

"Superior!"

"Axel's hips don't lie"

"Stop laughing, Xigbar, before I burn that smirk right off your face."

"In three seconds, if you all don't shut up and listen to me, there will be mass carnage, and it won't be at the hands of Saïx," Larxene warned, electricity crackling at her hands. She clearly didn't like being ignored.

Everybody shut up quickly, except Marluxia, who was sulking off in a corner and muttering. A lone bolt of lightning illuminated the room, and there was a surprised yelp, ending in an ominous sizzling sound. Everybody froze, too afraid to even cough from the last of the electric tendrils floating around in the air.

It was Xemnas who finally broke the silence. "Number 12, you did not just kill Number 11, did you?"

"It wasn't enough to kill him; he should be fine," Larxene answered, looking at her nails. Underneath the covers, Roxas burrowed further down, wondering if they were adequate protection against crazy women who could control electricity. They were fireproof, maybe that meant they were electric-proof too.

"Anyway, back to my story." Demyx wished a portal would open up and swallow him. He knew where this was going. "So Riding Hood lay on the rocks, dead and bleeding, and the wolf came by and brought the remains back to his lair to give to his master to use for scientific experiments."

"I object to that, Larxene."

"Live with it, Vexen. And the guy, since we can't really call him a beast anymore, was sinking quickly in the turbulent waters, scaring the fish, unconscious to the fact that he was inhaling water and would soon drown. He was too stunned from the initial impact to do anything. Luckily though, he was saved." She paused for dramatic effect, and everybody, with possibly the exception of Xemnas and Saïx, leaned forward.

"Don't do it, Larxene," Demyx prayed softly, but when she looked at him, her mouth curled into a smirk, and he whimpered like a kicked puppy.

"He was saved, by a mermaid. Well, actually, it was more like a merman when you consider it." Everybody turned to look at Demyx.

As it always seemed to happen when Demyx was involved, silence reigned supreme for a few seconds.

Then the roar of laughter descended, Nobodies falling on the backs of their chairs, laughing too hard to even sit up straight, or just sitting down on the floor, laughing so much that tears began to form. And everybody knows that's nearly impossible, since Nobodies have no feelings.

"Why do you do this to me?" Demyx asked.

"Because it's fun."

"Oh, okay Xaldin, my pain is your pleasure. I can accept that."

"Take it like a man. Or a merman, in your case."

"You guys are lame."

Larxene took control over the situation. "Your hair is lame, Demyx. But anyway," she continued, ignoring Demyx's crushed look and subsequent patting of his hair, "anyway, the merman, who was messing around on his giant wang-like instrument, just happened to see the guy sinking, and seized with emotion, rescued him, swimming him to shore. Once there, he deposited the body, which was still breathing, don't look at me like that, Axel, and stayed near him for a little, totally smitten."

There were quite a few brays of laughter at this, and Demyx suddenly shouted, "Shut up, Larxene! Please, just stop!"

"I've never seen him so upset," Zexion whispered to Lexaeus. "It must be true then."

"No it's not! She's making the whole thing up!" Demyx yelled, trying to deny everything and failing miserably.

"No, no, it's true," Larxene said, grinning way too hard. "I read it in his journal. Here, see for yourself. I made photocopies." Demyx froze in open-mouthed horror. Maybe he should just call a wave and drown himself in it. Yeah, that would be a good idea. Too bad he had no control over his limbs at the moment.

"Oh my, God, Demyx." Why did she have to give it to Axel, why? What did his Somebody for him to deserve this? Maybe this was karma for killing those Heartless last week.

"Wait, you haven't gotten to the good part yet," Larxene said happily, handing him more paper. Axel's eyebrows continued to rise.

"I want you to shoot me," Demyx said to Xigbar. "Don't hold back, just shoot me multiple times until I stop twitching."

"What the hell, Demyx? What the hell?" Axel asked, and almost imperceptibly, from the mountain of covers, Roxas started growling. Then he stopped, shocked at himself. Then he began growling again, just for the hell of it. It felt good.

"Number 9, these revelations had best not interfere with your duties," Xemnas said, picking up a stray sheet of doodles, mostly filled with stick figures. "What are…oh, that's just wrong." He dropped the sheet and shook his head.

"Larxene, keep reading. This is funny." Everybody stared at Zexion, "What, I'm not always emo. I can be happy when I want to be."

"So, the merman, lovesick, decided to go the sea witch and see what could be done, " Larxene picked up. "But the sea witch was in a bad mood because his lances had been chewed on by his pet eel."

"Wait, I'm the sea witch?" Xaldin sputtered. "If I'm the sea witch, then Xigbar better be my pet eel."

"Okay, whatever. So when the merman asked the sea witch-"

"Does it have to be sea _witch_?"

"Yes! Don't question me!" Lightning crackled again. Xaldin fell silent. "Moving on, when the merman asked if the sea witch could help him, the sea witch said sure, but because he did nothing for free, and the merman had no munny, he said he would turn him into a human in exchange for his voice."

"Why would I want Demyx's voice?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Because if you ask for specifics, I'll electrocute you."

"The sea witch wants the merman's voice because that way, the merman can't tell the guy that he was the one who saved him," Demyx supplied quietly from behind Lexaeus. The poor, quiet man had his uses.

"You've read this one a couple of times, haven't you?" Saïx asked. Demyx blushed, and it was answer enough.

"Yeah, what Demyx said. So he made the deal, and the sea witch changed him into a human, but he also sent his pet eel to spy on him, because he didn't really want the merman to be happy. But as it turned out, the eel didn't have to shoot the merman because the guy, who hadn't realized the merman had saved him, was making eyes at the blonde prince of another castle, and ran off with him."

"See, Roxas, nothing can hold us apart."

"Don't get any ideas!" came Roxas's muffled voice. "I'd rather you'd have drowned. She must be talking about Luxord."

"You two shut up, we don't have time for this." Larxene's voice held no pity. "The merman was understandably crushed, and the sea witch told him that if he killed the guy, he would allow the merman back into the ocean. Apparently, there's a rule that says once a merman has turned into a human, he can't go back to being a merman or the others will rip him apart and give him to the sharks, and besides, a merman can only stay alive as a human for three days."

"You know, Larxene, those are the kinds of things you state at the beginning to the story."

"Who's telling this, me or you, Vexen? But the merman, who was so totally in love with the guy, couldn't bring himself to kill him, who, by the way, was sleeping right next to the little blonde prince."

Axel's grin illuminated the room.

"Stop giving him ideas," Roxas warned, wrapping the covers around him. Ha ha, Axel, they can't be burned off. Eat that.

"So what happened to the merman?" Vexen asked. Then he added, "I wonder if we could go to Atlantica? I'd like to find one and examine it."

"That's creepy," Xigbar said, and Xaldin nodded his agreement.

"The merman," Larxene finished, "died and turned to sea foam." Zexion looked crushed and reverted back to his emo self, Demyx wished he really could die, and Axel began to underhandedly attempt to burn the sheets protecting Roxas.

.::oOo::.

Yes, I support Axel/Demyx. I also support Axel/Roxas. In fact, I support Axel/Demyx/Roxas as well. I'm so disloyal to my OTPs.

Sitar innuendo, really, my humor is not fit for public exhibition.

Oh yeah, and the merman thing is sort of a hybrid of Disney and the original story. The mermaid really does die at the end of the original. It was quite sad, actually. Nah, not really.

Don't forget to review!


	3. Part 3

Part 3

Morgana Maeve

Sorry for the wait, peoples! But you know sleeping on the hot, hard floor really gives you new perspectives on life.

…Okay, that made no sense whatsoever, so onward!

Disclaimer: I own whatever it is I'm smoking in order to make this as cracktastic as I can. Square and Disney own the Kingdom Hearts series.

.::oOo::.

Fortunately for Roxas, the sheets, as stated before, were fireproof, and all Axel's attempts were doing were producing some pretty nasty smelling smoke. Poor Zexion passed out after only a few minutes after catching a whiff of the stuff.

"It's overpowering!" he choked out, slipping off his chair and curling into a ball on the floor.

"Axel, what have you done?" Vexen asked, looking surreptitiously at the thick smoke coiling in the air. It was like a rather thick, gray snake, though it smelled the way Marluxia's compost pile did on hot days.

"I didn't do anything," Axel said quickly, trying to underhandedly beat out the small flames simmering on the corner of Roxas's blankets. His hand caught fire, but he didn't notice it as he brought his hands in front of him in a gesture of innocence. "I swear I'm not doing anything."

"Number 8, your hand is on fire."

"Oh! Crap!"

"Not doing anything, huh?" Roxas sat up, nonflammable sheets falling off his chest. "Perverted pyromaniac."

"Why are you so mean to me, Roxas?"

"Because you skulk around his room with a camera."

"You do _what_!?" Roxas's voice took on that 'Axel-I'm-going-to-kill-you-soon' timber.

"Shut up, Xigbar!" Axel snapped, a large and conspicuous sweat-drop forming on the back of his head. The other members (Demyx aside) pointed and snickered. Axel died just a little inside.

And then everybody shut up because Lexaeus got up and pretty much made the fairly spacious room feel like a claustrophobic closet full of woolen sweaters that had never seen the light of day since they were bought. Silently, he took the book away from Larxene and sat back down, placidly rifling through the pages. Everybody held their breath, even though the woolen sweaters had receded. They might just decide to pop up again and smother all the Nobodies in the room.

The biggest shocker came next. Lexaeus, the Nobody dubbed the Silent Hero, began to read, following the very disturbing pattern started by Axel and Marluxia.

"Once upon a time," he started, his huge frame threatening to break the spindly chair it rested on right in half, "there were three siblings. Only one of them wasn't really a sibling to the others. She was more of a step-sibling, and the other two took advantage of that and made her serve them and cater to their every whim."

Roxas snuck a look at Larxene, and, as she was bristling and her hair was standing on end, decided that throwing the covers over his head was the best thing to in this situation. It didn't muffle Lexaeus's voice much, though.

He continued. "The two siblings – brothers – were horrible and cruel to their step-sister and made her live in the attic, providing the entire house with electricity without so much as a little bit of munny as compensation. And since the floorboards were so thin and pathetically cheap, she had to hear the brothers' incestuous couplings every night."

There was a slight pause as everybody digested what was just said. Vexen's expression was priceless, a sort of mix of horror and disgust that made one side of his mouth go up in half a grimace and push the loose skin under his eye up into it. Xemnas was rubbing the bridge of his nose with his fingers.

"Let me guess," he said. "One brother had blonde hair and the other had red." Leaxeus nodded. "How did I know?" he tacked on sarcastically.

"Maybe you're psychic."

"That was a rhetorical question, Number 9."

"Sorry, Superior…What's rhetorical mean?"

"You don't need to know."

"But it wasn't truly incestuous because the brothers had both been adopted from different families," Lexaeus read. "But that's irrelevant. One day, the family (there was an evil step-father, too, with long, brownish-blondish hair and green eyes) heard that there was a ball being held so that the lord of the lands could find a wife. Every woman was invited, since what woman could resist his pink hair?"

"Lexaeus, that's horrible. The man's not even awake to defend himself!"

"It's my story, Xaldin."

"I'm just stating my opinion."

"Well, don't." Lexaeus stood up again, and the dank and dingy woolen sweaters made a reappearance. Everyone choked. He began to read again, still standing and absorbing all the oxygen in the room. "The two brother who weren't really brothers couldn't go, of course, but their step-sister could, and she almost did, but as soon as she left the attic, the electricity went out. They caught her and made her stay in the small attic so that she could keep the air conditioner running; it was hot outside. But the worst was that the brothers and step-father weren't even going to be in the house! They were going away for the weekend. The poor step-sister was heartbroken.

"But as the moon arose on her slumping figure, her guardian fairy (whom she knew nothing of) appeared, blue hair and scar and all, and brought her to the ball, and he even gave her a new dress."

"Why must you tempt fate?" Saïx asked, and a chill descended upon the room. Lexaeus was not bothered in the least.

"As soon as the pink-haired lord set eyes on the step-sister, he was smitten."

"Now there's a match made in hell."

"Don't interrupt me, Axel."

"Have you looked in a mirror lately?" Larxene's tone hinted that she was way beyond angry.

"What's that supposed to mean, Larxene?" Axel snapped, arms crossed over his chest.

"It means shut up before I electrocute you."

"Let me finish! The step-sister didn't want to leave the ball for obvious sexual reasons –"

"Oh, my God, Lexaeus, you're making this awkward!" Xigbar moaned.

Lexaeus barreled on, speaking faster, in a rush to finish. "Like I mentioned before, the step-sister didn't want to leave, but her step-family was coming back, and she had to return to the attic so that the air conditioning was working. To the lord, she gave him her shoe and told him her address so that he could come and steal her from her evil family the next day."

"Yeah, that sounds like Larxene."

"Shut up, Axel. Anyway, the lord followed the step-sister's directions and arrived at her house the next day. But her evil family had other plans. The evil step-father went down to his laboratory and concocted an evil potion to change the two brothers into girls so that they could marry into wealth."

"That's disgusting. Axel would make a horrible looking girl."

"I thought you were sick. Rest and let me finish this. The potion worked wonders, and the two brothers were now sisters, but the potion couldn't change the size of their feet. They were still huge."

"My feet are not that large."

"No, Axel, they only smell."

"I'll burn you, Xaldin."

"I'll cut you."

Lexaeus sighed impatiently and then yelled over the bickering Nobodies, "The pink-haired lord had the two now-sisters try on the shoe, but they couldn't wedge their toes in, so when the lord wasn't looking, the step-father cut off their heels."

"Wow, that got violent," Zexion murmured.

"The sisters could fit their feet inside the shoe now, but because of all the blood, the shoe kept sliding off, so finally, the lord went up to the attic (he had heard strange sounds) and found the step-sister. He knew it was the same girl from the ball by the way she yelled at him and ordered him about. He took her away, and they lived a happy, if somewhat sadomasochistic, life together. The end."

"That had to be the most awkward story yet," Vexen stated, and everybody else nodded. Marluxia began to stir, and out of pity, Xigbar whacked him across the head with his gun so that Marluxia would be spared any further humiliation that he had already unknowingly sustained.

.::oOo::.

Haha, this one's a quickie!

Incest and sadomasochism, aren't I just a comic genius?

In other news, I have officially freaked myself out. While I was planning this chapter out in my notebook, I hit a roadblock, and had to stop for a few minutes. I got bored, and then for some reason, I drew a heart. Then I drew another one. And another, and another, and another, until the entire page was practically filled with hearts. Then I drew a really big one and made it into Kingdom Hearts. And then I drew my iPod-Axel at the bottom, wanting a heart.

Yeah, the iPod Axel is a bit of a running joke. See, my stereo system is a Roxxy, and since in fandom, Roxas is known as Roxy, I made my iPod Axel. 'Cause you know, you put the iPod in the Roxxy so that it plays, and the obvious sexual reference was just too good to pass up. R and R, please!


	4. Part 4

Part 4

Part 4

Morgana Maeve

One freakin' year later, and we have four chapters. I'm a failure at life!

Anyway, I was accepted into college! I might be a failure, but I do have a future! -brick'd-

Birthday is also tomorrow, so here's my gift to you guys for putting up with me for three years now.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Damn it all. Square and Disney own everything.

(oOo)

After the awkward story came an awkward pause, a pregnant silence that screamed obscenities into the air and then gave violent birth to uncomfortable shifts and sideways glances, each Nobody embarrassed for no particular reason. Lexaeus shrugged and made for the book again, and then there was a wave of movement, a great wall of black suddenly popping up as everybody in the room (aside from Roxas and Marluxia) stood up and dove for the book, pushing and clawing at each other, paper-cuts abounding.

Demyx found himself with one such cut, a long slit that traveled across his little finger, and he began to cry quietly as it started leaking dust and purple glitter. Xigbar noticed, formulated a dastardly plan, and went over to the hiccoughing Nobody, placing an arm around Demyx's shoulders.

"What's the matter?" Xigbar asked kindly, a feral grin spreading across his face as Demyx looked up at him, eyes swimming in tears, holding up his little finger to show him the cut. Demyx was still hiccoughing, body bouncing with each jerk, and Xigbar's fingers tightened. Oh, this would too easy. "I can make you feel better," he whispered, now rubbing Demyx's back in small circular motions. Demyx shivered.

Way too easy. It was almost a turnoff, Xigbar reflected, that it was so easy to manipulate the sandy-haired Nobody. Then Demyx looked up at him again, all pure and trusting, shining bubbles and winking shoujo sparkles blotting out the whiteness of the room. Well, _almost_ a turnoff.

"You can?" Demyx sniffled. "How?"

"I have candy in my room." Demyx's face lit up instantly.

"You have candy? Can I have some candy? What kind of candy?" The feral grin widened.

"A long, thick candy cane with cream filling in the middle. I've been saving it, just for you." That wasn't true; Xaldin had gotten a lick of said candy cane just last night, but what Demyx didn't know didn't hurt him. Much.

"Oh, oh I want one, I want one!" Demyx said, clapping his hands, and Xigbar led him around the roiling ball of what were now the remaining members of the Organization and out into the hallway, down the stairs and into his room. The door shut with an ominous click.

Meanwhile, the other Nobodies finally managed to calm down, and now the book was in possession of Saïx, who looked as if he'd rather tear the book up and set it afire than read from it. He glared at everyone in the room, letting his lupine eyes settle on Axel for one long, sweat-inducing minute before he dropped his gaze to the book, staring at the words in hard concentration.

"Do you think he can read?" Vexen whispered loudly to Larxene, and Saïx growled, low and deep. Vexen blanched and scooted over to the back of the room, sitting on Marluxia who mumbled, "Sit on me harder, Vexy, please." Feeling oddly dirty, the older Nobody slid to the floor, backing away from the flower-wielder. A collective shudder ran through everybody else who had heard him.

Saïx cleared his throat and began to recite, following tradition.

"Once upon a time, in the woods, there lived a poor woodcutter and his wife."

"Hey, where did Xigbar and Demyx go?"

"Be quiet, Number 8, I want to hear this."

"And they had two children, Vexsel and Gremyx. But since the woodcutter was poor, he couldn't afford to feed his two children and his wife, and the time came when he had to choose between them. Being a spineless man, he allowed his wife to talk him into luring Vexsel and Gremyx into the woods and leaving them there to starve or be eaten, and they decided to put their plan into action the following morning.

"However, Vexsel and Gremyx had awakened and heard the plan. Gremyx began to cry, thinking all was lost, but Vexsel said he had a plan and slipped outside to collect rocks."

"Wow, this is boring," Axel grumbled under his breath, and Saïx's ears twitched slightly, a sign of things to come.

"That morning, the woodcutter took the two children deep into the woods and left them by a tree, saying he would be back later. Night fell, and Gremyx was scared, but Vexsel took him by the hand and led him back to the house, following the trail of rocks he had left behind earlier. The wife was furious, and she plotted another way to rid herself of the cumbersome children.

"She waited a week before trying the same plan again, but this time, she locked the doors before she went to bed, and Vexsel wasn't able to pick up stones to use as markers. Instead, he was forced to use the breadcrumbs his mother gave to him and Gremyx for breakfast, but when night fell and went to look for the trail, he found that the birds had eaten all the breadcrumbs.

"So the siblings wandered through the woods, becoming more and more lost, and then they came upon a building surrounded by a high wire fence. Dazed and confused, Vexsel and Gremyx stumbled into the fence, and Gremyx was electrocuted and killed instantly. The old, wicked Larxene-crone that lived behind the fence jumped out and charged at Vexsel, but he ran away and escaped, but not before the Larxene-crone turned him into a warty toad."

Vexen, sitting back in the corner, looked highly unpleased with this, and the temperature in the room began to drop noticeably. Little flakes of frost drifted down from the ceiling, and Roxas, who thought it was fairly safe to come out of his cocoon of covers, threw them back over his body, sneezing irritably. It was still warm under there, and Roxas was just about to drift off into discontented sleep when Axel jabbed him right in the center of his spine.

"Roxas, Roxas, look at this! I can make a snotsicle!"

"You must be so proud of yourself."

"Come on, you gotta see it!"

"Your face is bad enough to look at without the aid of frozen boogers hanging down your nose."

"Would you just look?"

"I hope you're the first one Vexen freezes."

"He is," Vexen called out from his corner.

"Good," said Roxas, pulling the pillow over his head.

Saïx looked a bit comical, with his pile of frost making a white cone on top his hair, but nobody dared laugh as he continued. "The Vexsel-toad hopped along, looking for a nice pond to settle down in, and in the end, he found a nice well to make his home. And for a while, he was happy there. But then one day, the spoiled princess who lived in the castle came outside, playing with her chakrams and not paying attention to where she was stepping."

"Why do I have to be the princess?" Axel complained sullenly, crossing his arms, snotsicle still hanging from his nose.

"I didn't say it was you," Saïx said, "but if you want to be the princess that badly, the part's open for you." He continued with the story. "The princess fell, and the chakram almost speared her head, but unfortunately, the princess rolled away at the last possible second, and the chakram bounced into the well. The princess began to cry, and toad-Vexsel felt bad and went to fetch the chakram for her.

"Toad-Vexsel was unprepared though for the onslaught of praise and kisses from the emotional princess ("Like I would kiss a toad," Axel muttered, pouting.), and she brought him back to the castle to show her father, the King Xemnas."

Did Saïx just glance shyly at Xemnas through his lashes? Zexion quickly documented and noted the instance in his point book. So far, he was beating Larxene seven to five. Demyx and Xigbar better do something juicy if she wanted to win.

"At first, the princess was happy with her toad, but as the days passed, she began to get angry at him for no reason, yelling and snapping and generally being a bi-"

"You can't say that!" Lexaeus exclaimed. "There are Disney characters here!"

Saïx rolled his eyes. "Anyway, finally, toad-Vexsel asked the princess what was wrong, and she told him she was waiting for him to turn into a handsome prince. Toad-Vexsel explained to her that he was no prince, and suddenly, the princess became irate.

"'Then why are you sleeping in my bed?' she shrieked, seizing the Vexsel-toad and throwing him against the hard, stone wall where he splattered into a mixture of frog guts and frog juice. The end."

Axel jumped up. "Why am I always the bad guy?" he yelled. "Always! It never fails! Granted, yes, being the bad guy is better than being the whiny, love-struck idiot that everybody else seems to enjoy making me into, but still! I'm not the bad guy. Not yet!"

"You weren't the bad guy," Xaldin said, smirking. "You were the bad girl."

"That's it! I've had it with this Organization!" The temperature, which been dwindling towards freezing, suddenly rose, Lexaeus's snowman melting into a puddle of water. Lexaeus stared at the puddle in despair, raising his hands towards the ceiling in the classic gesture of 'Why?' Licks of flame traveled down Axel's arms and congregated into his chakrams, and he swung them menacingly.

"Come on! I dare you to mess with me right now," he challenged. "I freakin' dare you!"

"You can't say that either!" Lexaeus wailed.

"Number 8, sit down and control yourself!" Xemnas bellowed, standing up, gold eyes flashing. "Stop trying to create an anarchy!"

"You shut up!" Axel snapped back, brandishing his weapons. "I've had it the most with you!"

"He's just jealous because your ass is tanner than his face," Xaldin called out, eliciting juvenile snickers and hollers from the rest of the Nobodies. Lexaeus gave up trying to create a Disney-friendly society and silently removed himself from the incoming brawl. Axel whirled on Xaldin.

"And look at you and your dreadlocks! You look like you have a dirty mop glued to your head!"

"Is that the best you can come up with?"

"Your sideburns make you look like a gorilla," Axel hissed, and then all hell broke loose. Xaldin rushed at Axel and pounced on him, impact shaking the floor, little bits of plaster raining down on the fight.

Actually, it really wasn't much of a fight. It was more like Xaldin beating the nonexistence out of Axel with all the other Nobodies cheering him on. Roxas sat up in his bed, sheets bunched up around his legs, torn between egging Xaldin on and trying to rescue Axel. The latter choice would have been stupid though; Xaldin had gone into his 'I'm-going-to-beat-anything-that-moves' mode, fists flailing all over the place, and Roxas had no intention of risking bodily harm to save someone who regularly set up hidden cameras in his room.

It looked as if Axel was done for, but then he reached out and grabbed one of Xaldin's wildly waving dreadlocks and tugged hard, Xaldin's entire head and neck snapping backwards, but when that didn't seem to bother him in the least, Axel set the dreadlock on fire.

That caught Xaldin's attention. Big time. It took him a few seconds to realize it was his hair that was giving off that pungent odor of burnt nastiness, but when he did, he leaped off of Axel, bellowing and roaring, running around the room while the rest of his hair burned happily away. The scene resembled something out an African safari: The rhinoceros, mortally wounded, fleeing the clutches of the lithe hunter, who watches, knowing that eventually, his prey will fall. And fall Xaldin did, right out the doorway and down the stairs, collapsing into a moaning, smoking heap at the bottom landing.

Panting, Axel stood up and said, "Anybody else want some? 'Cause I got more, lots more." Silence greeted him. "Good," he continued. "Now maybe I'll get a little more respect."

"I think your nose is broken," Roxas told him quietly.

"It's more like it's hanging off his face," Larxene added, pulling out a mirror from her coat. "Here, look." She gave it to Axel, who took one look at his reflection and screeched like a banshee, mirror shattering in two. He threw himself to the floor, covering his face with his hands, whispering, "Don't look at me! Don't look at me!"

Axel had also carelessly thrown his weapons while he dramatically crumpled into a sobbing heap on the floor, and unfortunately, Saïx happened to standing right behind him, trying to sneak a peek at Axel's ruined face. The chakrams hit him full force between the eyes, and Saïx too fell to his knees, Axel's weapons clattering to the floor some space behind him, black dust and purple glitter literally pouring out of his face, pooling on the ground in a mess that would have to be swept up before it spread everywhere.

Needless to say, the other Nobodies were horrified.

"Oh, my God, Axel broke Saïx's face!" Marluxia yelled. He had woken up some time during the fight, and even though he had been confused as to why Axel and Xaldin were fighting, he was happy to admit it pleased him greatly to see the red-head have his ass handed to him.

"Don't just stand there, do something!" Xemnas ordered, trying to pry Saïx's hands away from his face so he could see the damage. From what he could see, it wasn't pretty.

"Somebody get a towel, quick!" Vexen said, quietly having a panic attack in his corner. He didn't like dust and glitter, especially large quantities of it. Even just a drop of the stuff was enough to send him into palpitations.

"He doesn't need a towel, you idiot," Larxene snapped at him. "He needs a broom!"

And during this panic, who else would enter but Demyx and Xigbar, the latter looking highly pleased, the former looking highly sullen.

Oblivious to Saïx's rapidly emptying body, Demyx said, "You liar. That didn't taste like candy." He glared at Xigbar, who lit a cigarette.

"Hey, you wanted the cream filling," he answered, shrugging.

"And you wouldn't even cuddle."

"You guys are gross," Roxas muttered, sinking back into bed.

(oOo)

The 'ass is tanner than your face' line isn't exactly mine. It's from some movie or something that I can't remember.

And this is the story of how Saïx got his scar. It was all Axel's fault. And the scar that was mentioned back in Part 3 was the scar Saïx has on his back. Yes, Saïx has a scar on his back. Because I say so. His face scar wasn't there until this chapter. (No, that's not an excuse, why do you ask?)

Are you looking for some R&R? Then press the little blue button on the left of your screen for some Reading and Reviewing. Guaranteed the best or your money back!


	5. Part 5: The Grand Finale

Part 5: The Grand Finale

Part 5: The Grand Finale

Morgana Maeve

Alternate Title – Part 5: When Luxord finally decided to come back.

But yes, this the end of 'Sick Day.' Don't look at me like that; this was never meant to be long. But I'm gonna miss it. –cries- So in honor of it being the last chapter, say hello to the monster final chapter of 'Sick Day.' We're gonna be here a while.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Kingdom Hearts belongs to Square and Disney. The Grimm fairy tales belong to, well, Grimm.

(oOo)

There was, of course, small delay before anybody even remembered the discarded book. Xemnas and Vexen were too busy bandaging Saïx's ruined face, staple-gun lying at their sides, and Axel, covering the lower half of his face with a doctor's mask, was too busy talking to Xigbar.

"So you painted it red and white," he was saying, and Xigbar nodded, "so it would look like a candy cane."

"Yeah, and then you just have to rub some peppermint on it to make it smell like one too."

"Ah." Axel snuck a glance over at Roxas and grinned wolfishly under his mask. Roxas scowled at him.

"If you think I'm as stupid as Demyx is, then you've got another thing coming," he grumbled, feeling with his toes for a cool spot. Really, it was way too hot under those blankets. "I'll bite your candy cane right off," he added for good measure, and the cool spot he had just found suddenly blazed into a summer heat. Roxas told himself it was the fever.

But in time, the injuries were taken care of, and Zexion shuffled forward to read from the book. Saïx might have continued reading; it hadn't sounded as if he was done, but for right now, he was pretty much incapacitated. Xemnas and Vexen had swathed his entire head in two full rolls of gauze, and the Nobody now looked like some sort of rejected mummy, head entirely white except for the tufts of candy-blue hair sticking out between the layers. How he could still breathe, none of them really knew, but there Saïx was, sitting with his back stiff as a rod, right next to Xemnas. And for some reason, his sightless face was fixed in the direction of Axel. It was something out of one the horror films Lexeaus sometimes brought to The World That Never Was, and already, there was a wide berth between Saïx and the other Nobodies, just in case he decided to stand up and walk toward Axel, arms outstretched, making weird groaning noises.

Zexion flipped his hair back, pulling his long bangs to the side, and then he began to flip through the book, nose detecting myriad smells, some of which were highly suspicious.

"This page smells like Axe," he said, bringing the book up to his face and sniffing.

"Isn't that what Axel wears?" Larxene asked, and both Roxas and Demyx nodded. Axel inched away from the water-wielding Nobody.

"Stalker," he muttered, and Roxas growled again without meaning to. Only he should know what kind of perfume (or was it called cologne?) Axel wore!

Zexion shrugged and continue to rifle through the book, stopping every now and then to either sniff at a page or read a few sentences. Finally, he stopped, flipped back, and began to read.

"Once upon a time, there were two sisters, Snow Vexen and Rose Axel."

"Can we stop with the gender-bending?" Axel interposed, voice muffled from the mask, and at the same time, Vexen huffed, "Can we stop making fun of me?"

"But you're the geezer," Xigbar explained, laughing. "We need to make fun of you." Immediately, ice began to snake up his legs, and within seconds, Xigbar the Freeshooter, became Xigbar the Glacier, completely encased in a rather large and rather cold ice block. Vexen sniffed and tossed his head up into the air. The other Nobodies exchanged nervous glances and mittens, and Zexion continued, breath puffing in the air.

"They lived in the woods with their mother, Widow Larxene, and they were always playing in the fields, chasing squirrels and rabbits and whatever else lives in woods. I get stuck doing hallway cleanup all the time, so I never get to go outside and see what's going on."

"Kindly try to keep your personal feelings separate from the story, Number 6," Xemnas said sternly, without looking at him.

"Yes, Superior," Zexion replied, mouth thinning into a thin line. Everybody else got to go outside on missions. Why couldn't he? He continued with the story. "One night, as the Widow Larxene was yelling Snow Vexen and Rose Axel about playing their music too loud, a bear came bumbling in. Widow Larxene tried to kill it with her electric skillet, but it didn't bother the bear, and the two sisters were too scrawny for it to eat. So it stayed by the fire, and Snow Vexen and Rose Axel amused themselves by poking it with a multitude of sharp objects. The bear went along with it, just in case the opportunity to eat one arose.

"And so, the bear, lazy thing that it was, came every night to the house, and every night, the Widow Larxene cursed at it, and the sisters poked it with whatever they could find. And then one day, the bear told Snow Vexen he had to leave and guard his plants from the evil Xaldin-pixie that was trying to eat his flowers."

"Xaldin-pixie?" Xemnas repeated incredulously, trapped somewhere between amusement and weary bafflement. "What in Kingdom Hearts is that?"

"Yeah, a Xaldin-pixie," Zexion told him. "With little tiny wings and a tiny body. Sort of like that thing Axel tried to eat in Neverland."

"You guys are never gonna let me live that down, are you?" Axel asked dejectedly, remembering that time before Roxas joined the Organization, when he and Demyx and Zexion had gone on vacation to Neverland. Maybe that's where Demyx had developed his little thing for Axel; Axel couldn't remember anything much past stealing Captain Hook's secret ale cache. He would have to ask Zexion what happened during that night. He could vaguely recall jumping around after something shiny…

"Anyway, so the bear left, and Snow Vexen and Rose Axel went on with their lives. A few weeks later though, Widow Larxene told them they had to go buy her new stuff, and she sent them to the marketplace. One their way back, they stumbled upon something small and jittery fluttering around in the air, trying to drag a large bush covered in giant pink flowers to a tree.

"It was the Xaldin-pixie, and he cursed at the sisters for just standing there watching him, throwing his tiny lances at them, and they laughed and swatted him around until his wings were bent and his head ached. After cursing at them one last time, he disappeared into a cloud of darkness.

"A few weeks went by again, and this time, the Widow Larxene wanted chocolate cake, and she sent her kids out to find some for her. One their way back, they met the Xaldin-pixie again, though this time he was trying to take a potted plant with him. Rose Axel was afraid of the plant and wanted to hurry on, but Snow Vexen wanted to abuse the pixie some more, and the two began a game of catch with the poor creature.

"As they were playing, the bear came into view, and Snow Vexen became so happy that he ("Or is it she?" Zexion wondered) threw the Xaldin-pixie right over Rose Axel's head and into the plant. The plant then ate the Xaldin-pixie."

"Nice," Xemnas muttered, shaking his head. Saïx patted his hand clumsily.

"The bear transformed just as the plant spit out the Xaldin-pixie's crumpled wings, changing from a smelly animal to a young man with pink hair and an unnatural love for flowers. He whisked Snow Vexen away, leaving Rose Axel to be eaten by the plant. The end."

"No," Axel interjected," that is not the end." He snatched the book away from Zexion, who let go reluctantly. "You see, they thought the plant are Rose Axel, who is getting a name change real soon, but instead, the plant let him go."

"That's 'cause you taste bad," Xigbar said. The glacier had melted just enough to uncover his head. "Your nasty aftertaste killed the plant."

"How would he know?" Roxas asked, voice dangerously sweet, and Demyx started blubbering, staring at Axel with huge, watery eyes. Axel began to sweat profusely.

"I-I have no idea what he's talking about," he stammered, trying to act smooth and failing miserably at it.

"That's the same thing you said to me when I asked you about that blinking red light I saw in my room."

"You still remember that, Roxas?"

"Is there something to remember, Axel? You told me it was nothing. Now I think it was something."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"See, there you go again."

"Stop acting like an old, married couple," Larxene snapped. "The rest of us have enough problems as it is without having that on our minds."

Axel tried to glare at her, but her antennae were sparking, and he decided it was safer to just keep reading. "So Rose Axel walked and walked until he reached a town where he could find some place to get a name change. But as he was walking, the stupid silver-haired king of the town kidnapped him and brought him to the castle, holding him prisoner. The king told him that he would have to turn all the vases in the room into Moogle Points or he would die in the morning."

"So you were the one who broke all the vases!" Marluxia suddenly yelled, diving for Axel, who managed to move out of the way at the last possible second. Instead of landing on Axel, Marluxia landed on Roxas, faces pressed together.

There was a silence in which time slowed and everything panned away from the bed. Axel had gone completely white, not just in face, but in clothes too, his hands in that classic anime position, first finger and pinky extended, the rest of his fingers curled into his palm. Wavy blue lines appeared by the side of his face, wriggling like worms, and his mouth was a perfect square, open in horrified shock. One of the squiggles that served as eyes twitched slowly. The other Nobodies stood in a line some distance behind him, faces blank, each one wearing a sweat-drop on the side of his (and her) head. Unlike Axel, they were still in color.

As for Roxas, he was forcibly reminded of that time when he had woken up to pressing weight on his chest and red hair in his mouth. Axel, either stone drunk or pushing his luck with the gods of fate, had passed out in his bed, lying sideways on top of him. Roxas hadn't been happy then – Axel still probably had some marks left from the justified and sound thrashing he had received, but on the whole, Roxas preferred Axel to Marluxia. When Axel stalked him, it was sweet in a creepy way. With Marluxia, it was just creepy.

And so, Roxas did what Xigbar had taught him to do when he had first joined the Organization. He screamed. Loudly.

And then he summoned his Keyblades and smashed the hell out of Marluxia. Dust and glitter flew everywhere, followed by little pieces of pink hair and black leather. It was worse carnage then Saïx's face. When Roxas was done, all that was left of Marluxia was a twitching heap of pink and black, with little darker pink flowers interspersed at odd angles. Roxas stood panting, and then he fell heavily back into the bed, tuckered out. Axel was still white and frozen.

But in the end, it turned out all right. Just when things were about to get as awkward as awkward come, who should step in but Luxord, back from a poker match in Port Royal.

"Look who I found spying through the keyhole," he said in that familiar British accent, leading Naminé in by the crook of her arm. In her other hand, she clutched her drawing pad and pencils, sheepish grin on her face. "And from what she's drawn, I'm figuring I've missed quite a lot." It was only then that he noticed the awkwardness. "Have I come at a bad time?"

"Number 13 is sick," Xemnas told him, breaking the silence. Luxord looked confused.

"We can get sick?" he asked.

"It's a nonexistent virus."

"Oh. Nasty."

"Quite."

"And um, does this nonexistent virus have anything to do with why Xaldin is passed out on the landing?" Luxord ventured to ask. Xemnas merely shrugged. Saïx tried to say something, but he could barely move his lips, and the staples and bandages garbled his voice. Luxord took one look at him and blinked, pointing to Saïx while mouthing, "What the hell?" to Xigbar,

"Axel did it," Xigbar mouthed back. Luxord shook his head as if to say, "Why am I not surprised?" Naminé quietly settled herself into a corner, prodding the unmoving Marluxia with the tip of one of her pencils. One of the plants seized the pencil and tugged it out of her grasp, slipping back among the folds of Marluxia's coat, where it ate the pencil with loud crunching sounds. Naminé watched, fascinated.

"And you've been passing the time…how?" Luxord asked, bending down to pick up the cursed book. Zexion watched the book with hungry eyes. He wanted that book for some reason. It had become a sort of obsession.

"We've been reading," Demyx said softly.

"Reading bloody fairy tales," Luxord added, laughing. "You're such a darling, love." He ruffled Demyx's hair and was rewarded with a shy, intensely cute smile. Xigbar felt his conquest ebbing away from him.

"Perhaps you'd like to read, Number 10," Xemnas suggested. "We appear to be losing members at an alarming rate, and you haven't been subjected to any abuse yet."

"Well of course, Superior. I'd be glad to." In actuality, Luxord would have really liked to go to bed; his head was pounding from the copious amounts of rum he had drank – damn that Sparrow man – and he would have loved nothing more than to just sleep well into the morning, maybe with nice warm body sharing his bed. Oh yes, he had his warm body picked out. Now to go about seducing said body.

Ignoring the fact that they weren't done butchering the poor story of Rumpelstiltskin, Luxord began to read, voice like liquid eloquence.

"Once upon a time, there were twelve princesses who lived in large white castle, and every day, they would need new shoes because in the morning, their shoes would have holes in them. Their father, the king, couldn't figure out why their shoes would always have holes in them, and so one day, he decreed that the first suitor to figure out this mystery could marry any princess he choose. If he couldn't, however, figure it out after three days, he was sentenced to death.

"Dozens of suitors tried. The first was a young boy with spiky brown hair and stupid shoes. He was given a room adjacent to the princess', but after three nights, he had not figured out the mystery, and he was promptly beheaded."

There were a few snickers at that, and Xigbar hollered and tried to pump his arm, but it was still stuck in the glacier.

"Others tried, but all were met with the same fate. The king's fences ran red with their blood. But then one day, a dashing and debonair suitor came to the castle, intent on solving this mystery."

"And let me guess. That suitor is you," Axel said, rolling his eyes towards the ceiling."

"How'd you know?"

"Lucky guess."

"But wait!" Demyx interrupted. "If you're the suitor, and there's twelve princesses, then we don't have enough people!"

That caused a small debate.

"He's right! There'd only be only eleven princesses."

"Maybe we should borrow some of the Princesses of the Heart." That came from Xemnas.

"Bloody hell, let me finish!" Luxord yelled over the discussion, waving the book. Zexion watched it like a hawk, head moving in tandem with the fluttering pages. "There's an easy solution! Naminé will simply have to be one of the princesses!"

Another battle ensued.

"But she's not part of the Organization!"

"A mere witch one of the princesses? I think not." Again, that was from Xemnas.

"Let's ask Naminé!" Naminé looked up from her doodle and shrugged. She was used to these occasional bouts of insanity.

"All right, all right! It's been settled! Now let me continue!" Luxord cleared his throat. "So as I was saying, this handsome suitor realized that the princesses must be drugging the food they offered the suitors so that no one would know where they were going. He formed an amazing plan, and when night fell and the princesses brought him food and wine, he only pretended to eat. Then, he lay in his bed and waited for them to leave.

"It took awhile, because the princesses began to bicker amongst themselves, and then Princess Axel stole Princess Xemnas' parasol, and that caused a huge nasty fight, but in the end, the princesses finally opened the secret passage that led way below the castle grounds. The suitor couldn't follow them directly without being noticed, so he opened a portal of darkness and followed in the shadows.

"Damn, this is a long story. Anyway, blah blah blah, the suitor finds out where the princesses have been going, and he brings back proof to set before the king, and then the king told him that he could have any princess of his choosing. So, he chose the oldest one, for the suitor wasn't that young himself."

"Why the hell would you choose Vexen willingly?" Xigbar asked, curling his nose in disgust.

"I'll freeze you again," Vexen warned.

"The suitor didn't choose Vexen, you dolt," Luxord snapped. "He chose Demyx." He smiled warmly at the aforementioned Nobody, and Demyx blushed pink. Xigbar wailed mentally.

Yet again, a debate quickly formed.

"What? Demyx isn't the oldest!"

"Yeah, Demyx is like, the youngest!"

"I am not!"

"You're younger than I am!"

"Axel, you're old. That's why Roxas doesn't want to get with you."

"You're calling me old, Xigbar? You have gray in your hair!"

"Chicks dig the gray. Makes me look sophisticated."

"Roxas is the youngest, right?"

"I thought it was Naminé."

"Why are we even having this discussion!" Xemnas yelled, temper snapping. "Ages don't apply to us! So stop it!"

"Aw, you just don't want everybody to know you're the second oldest."

"I'll have you demoted, Number 2. And you're older than me!"

"I'm still young," Zexion added, holding up his arm.

"Shut up!" everybody yelled at the same time, and poor Zexion bowed his head and crept out of the room, but not before taking the book. Weapons deadline was fast approaching, and he finally had found his weapon of choice. Yes, he would be invincible with the power of fairy tales at his side!

And then something amazing happened. Roxas, who had been silent since Luxord arrived, started choking quietly. At least, that's what it sounded like to Axel, and he rushed over to the bed and flung the covers off. There Roxas lay, curled up on his side, hands folded over his stomach, face a bright, screaming red, making those weird choking noises. Axel thought he might be dying, and tried to flip him over onto his stomach, but Roxas was shaking too much, and just when Axel was about to yell for help (he thought it was seizure or epilepsy or something), he realized that Roxas, stoic Roxas who barely ever smiled, was laughing his ass off.

It was a beautiful moment, broken only by the fact that a certain brown-haired Keyblade-wielder was on his way to find them. But for now, the Organization was still one big dysfunctional family, and that's all that mattered.

THE END

Holy crap, I can't believe this is the end. I've never finished a fanfiction before, and, omg, ignore the sappy ending, but yeah, this is it! I'm gonna miss you all! Thank you to everyone who's reviewed this silly little thing! I love you all, everybody's who's favorited this, or read this, or whatever! You guys are all awesome! Digital kisses abound!

Special shout-out to animegeek22 from MediaMiner, who's been around for the year it took to finish this thing and who reviews multiple times for no reason! You're the awesome.

Oh, and more shout-outs to all of the rest of you who have been here for the year! I'm marrying all of you, just so you know. Polygamy? I laugh in the face of monogamy! Bwahahaha!

And um…oh wow, I'm excited…so here's a rundown of what to expect in the future:

**Scarab Oasis** – The title's still pending, and it won't be crack, but hopefully I'll see some of you there when it comes up? It's Kingdom Hearts AU in 1920s Egypt. Look for it on a Fanfiction page near you!

A sequel to 'Canon Add-In' is due, and I've got this great idea for it. I'll probably start this one first, so be on the lookout for a Keyblade-wielding Mary-Sue who has lots of relations in the Organization! (animegeek22 helped cook this idea up.)

And finally, we have an Axel/Roxas lemon due too, but wait? What's this? A crack lemon? With plants? And Marluxia!? Better bring the bleach.

Anyway, so long! It's been a great year with you guys! -blows kisses-


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